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  • Shed Orgy

    Shed Orgy
    Behind (closed) shed doors
    Consenting tools
    Explore their sexuality

    Feeler gauge
    Claw hammer
    Lump hammer

    Angle grinder
    Power drill
    Trim and edge

    3-in-1 oil *

    *”The flexibility of the plastic spout
    enables you to reach
    those hard to get at spots”
    shed

    2003. Now that's just silly.

  • Lioness: Try Again

    Chip Supper Twice
    The
    Leyland
    Lioness-
    Only ever two,
    Never meeting,
    Greeting people who
    Cling to the seating,
    Hoping not to know
    What it is
    To be
    Lonely

    lioness
    The formatting'll be screwed up, but never mind.

  • Lioness

    Can't find the poem I'm looking for, which is about to be published in Coffee Pot apparently (details to follow) but I'd better rescue this while it's here.
    lioness
    39

    At the age of thirty-nine
    I'm getting past my prime*
    Elusive gravitas
    As the years pass
    Most go
    For the big four oh-
    for me it must suffice
    To have been thirteen thrice

    n.b next prime at 41

  • PD3

    PD3

    “Anybody seen in a bus over the age of thirty has been a failure in life”
    Loelia, Duchess of Winchester 1902-1993

    When my brother was released from gaol
    The very first thing that I heard he did
    Was find a scrapyard in Northamptonshire
    In which lay dormant an old Leyland bus
    A double-decker Leyland PD3.
    He, my cousin Ian, and David Jones, my dad,
    They dragged it back from whence it came,
    A half-cab bus from Rossendale, and set to work.
    They took the seats out, fitted a big slide
    A ball pond, tables, fun packed stuff for kids.

    On the back seat Ian found his name
    A scrawled reminder of his vanished youth
    Scribbled on some long forgotten teenage kick
    In marker pen across the rear seat.

    If you want an image, picture this:
    Struggling with the wheel nuts in the bitter cold
    Of January, and the bastards will not move.
    They got the bugger going though, in months
    And drove its lumbering frame
    Towards the blesing of an MOT.

    It passed, despite its lack of seats,
    The half-cab window leaking, awkward clutch
    Electric switches like in your 60s house
    When you were young...

    Ian’s a plumber now, and my brother’s rage
    [Writing angry letters to the press, and
    All England’s MPs, to ask them this:
    “Do you think it’s OK for police
    To lie? “ Tick just one box] is in the past,
    And after three long years he’s turned a page.

    The bus remains though, wrongly coloured blue,
    The seats in storage and the destination blind
    Proclaiming “Ellie’s birthday: Three” -
    She’s six.
    It doesn’t please the purists in the game
    Restoring buses for the BBC’s
    Next drama series set in Lancashire,
    But every time I visit home I drive
    The extra mile or so to look at it
    Next to the barn he turned into his house
    Before his wife walked out.
    Leyland Titan PD3.
    MTJ 434C.
    Enough.

    It makes me very proud and very sad
    And fronds, that slant of life, and stuff.
    kevbus

  • Bicycle shed

    Bicycle shed

    'Behind the bike sheds'
    stolen furtive kisses,
    dunlop tyres fizzing across the tarmac
    long gone schoolboys blazered up

    Now the constructor’s wire walls
    And dully neat concrete feet
    Surround the sad site-
    a safety-conscious keep out world,
    and there's nowhere to go.

    It's just gone.

    Only last week,
    Caught in a shower
    With raindrops drumming
    In my head, a moment's thought
    decides on a photo project, bicycle sheds
    across the nation.

    not sadness for lost youth, unfilled promise, aching pasts
    but for the shed I never knew
    A time I never knew,
    and that you never knew
    that now there’s nothing left
    to go behind.

    Bikeshed_j23_4
    At thirteen they were fooling
    But at sixteen they'll be rulin'
    And there's something in the air
    of which we all will be aware
    But they don't care, no, no, no, no... so
    Come join the revolution, get yourself a constitution
    Come join the revolution now

  • Satsumas

    I don't need exotic treats -
    Give those kumquats to John Keats.

    kum

    But when you eat satsumas bare,
    Spraying sunshine in your hair
    In your garden, I'll be there.

    sats

  • Omnibus

    selnec

    Omnibus
    Poems for all, by Brian Scranage

  • Warning: Contains mild peril

    Unfinished - but I want to rescue it from my clogged hard drive

    Warning: Contains mild peril
    {Note on video box}

    All Summer we prowled the hills-
    One day we found ourselves
    High on Scout Moor
    Seven young lads in heat
    With only a box of matches
    For company.

    Lonely tails of smoke,
    Dying in the dry grass,
    Suddenly.

    A night in a collapsed arch
    Beneath two storeys of drystone
    That took the old pack road
    Between two barren hillocks.
    Ubiquitous anoraks useless
    Against the iron cold,
    Watching ribbons of lonely traffic
    In the black velvet valley.

    An abandoned open cast mine,
    Explored on hands and knees
    Calling backwads and fowards.

    My brother inside motorway bridges
    Or bullying builders to let him blow up obstacles to the new road
    Or impaled on a nail in a deserted shed
    Health and safety executive
    Nickelodeon
    Not suilable for children under 14
    Not a toy
    Some%20Mild%20Peril%20-%20web

  • How Children Fail

    How Children Fail
    *with profound apologies to John Holt

    A TEST FOR TEACHERS
    BLANK PAGE

    Read the following carefully and answer the questions that follow:

    Milly, Molly, Mandy,
    Sweet as sugar candy-
    last year.

    But in their latest test-
    They did not do their best.

    1) Please read the data carefully
    And on ONE side of A4
    State briefly why the students named
    Did not achieve much more.

    ANSWER BOOKLET

    That one worked as hard as most but peaked a bit too soon,
    That one had no mum at home; that one was a buffoon.
    That one was a wheeler/dealer, stole a mobile phone
    That one lacked self-discipline – once his dad left home

    That one was bone idle, that one clearly mad
    That one’s brother took bad drugs and so he turned out bad
    That one’s friends were enemies; that one too laid back.
    That one could not read a map and got lost in the pack.

    That one was a smoker and you know it stunts your brain
    That one really struggled in a way we can’t explain
    That one was too beautiful; that one had bad skin
    That one had a bag so small her books would not fit in.

    This one was defeated by the endless years of being schooled-
    So ready and so willing and so able to be fooled
    Made statements of resistance and of panic and of flight
    Hemmed in by petty duties and a slave to being right.

    Before you hand your answers in
    You must be sure to check
    That students have been fully judged
    Against these National Spec:

    • Value added information at seventeen point five per cent
    • Less than National Value added pupils of the same raw attainment
    • Average Mean points progress across the whole of the key stage
    • “Progress compared to National Median” points score for his age

    N.B. The bad students forget straight away.
    The good ones do their best
    To wait until the test.

    END OF TEST
    2000
    dunce

    They're probably passing the Education Act as we speak, the bastards.

  • Gracie Fields – Her Career Takes off

    Gracie Fields – Her Career Takes off

    Aspirates her weak point-
    But by dint of much encouragement,
    She won a Rochdale talent show,
    Singing ''Whhhat makes me love you ?'' aged seven

    One of the ''Nine Dainty Dots,''
    Joined ''Hayley's Juveniles'' at ten,
    Then two years with ''Charburn's Young Stars"

    [Then a half-timer in the mill
    Singing from the balcony
    Until a lary local woman
    Umbrellaed her to stop.]

    Gertie Gitana, the first George Formby,
    Glamorous names for her star-struck mother.
    Grace's ambitions?
    To earn a hunded pounds,
    And to sing at the Coliseum
    Before she was twenty-one.

    She begins to indulge
    In a talent for mimicry
    Until a leading lady complains
    That she's stealing people's brains.

    From then on it burgeons-
    You know how it goes
    Shopping-centre auditions
    Makeover shows
    Joining TV's "Pop Tartz"
    The NEXT BIG THING,
    With pop svengali
    Simeon Sting
    We watch her career
    Simply explode
    Limos,champagne,
    Life ''On the road"
    Dating Marky,
    The guy from ''Maid Up"
    HELLO Magazine spread,
    ''At home with her pup"

    MTV showcase
    Sell-out shows
    Lads' magazine shoots
    Diet videos

    Pop
    Shop
    Thrills
    Pills
    Coke
    Broke

    Her career unfurled
    In the News of the World:
    "WE HAD GRACE
    ALL OVER THE PLACE"

    When she sang
    "Mr Tower of London"
    At the Coliseum
    She was twenty-six.
    She wanted to hang
    The cheque on the wall
    At home in Rochdale,
    But her family's fear of burglars
    Was too strong for that.

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