Omnibus

How Children Fail
*with profound apologies to John Holt

A TEST FOR TEACHERS
BLANK PAGE

Read the following carefully and answer the questions that follow:

Milly, Molly, Mandy,
Sweet as sugar candy-
last year.

But in their latest test-
They did not do their best.

1) Please read the data carefully
And on ONE side of A4
State briefly why the students named
Did not achieve much more.

ANSWER BOOKLET

That one worked as hard as most but peaked a bit too soon,
That one had no mum at home; that one was a buffoon.
That one was a wheeler/dealer, stole a mobile phone
That one lacked self-discipline – once his dad left home

That one was bone idle, that one clearly mad
That one’s brother took bad drugs and so he turned out bad
That one’s friends were enemies; that one too laid back.
That one could not read a map and got lost in the pack.

That one was a smoker and you know it stunts your brain
That one really struggled in a way we can’t explain
That one was too beautiful; that one had bad skin
That one had a bag so small her books would not fit in.

This one was defeated by the endless years of being schooled-
So ready and so willing and so able to be fooled
Made statements of resistance and of panic and of flight
Hemmed in by petty duties and a slave to being right.

Before you hand your answers in
You must be sure to check
That students have been fully judged
Against these National Spec:
• Value added information at seventeen point five per cent
• Less than National Value added pupils of the same raw attainment
• Average Mean points progress across the whole of the key stage
• “Progress compared to National Median” points score for his age

N.B. The bad students forget straight away.
The good ones do their best
To wait until the test.

END OF TEST 2000

They're probably passing the Education Act as we speak, the bastards.